Underground: Year 2

Coming soon to a large suburban high school near you!
Apply within...

I'm not dead! I think I'll go for a walk...

The Future of The Underground...

GOOD PEOPLE WANTED FOR HAZARDOUS PROJECT.
NO WAGES, BITTER APATHY. LONG NIGHTS WITHOUT SLEEP.
CONSTANT DANGER. SAFE COMPLETION, DOUBTFUL.
HONOR AND RECOGNITION IN CASE OF SUCCESS.

Dear Reader of the Underground,
As you can probably imagine, the Underground is somewhat short staffed due to the lose of a number of its writers/editors. To help fill these vacancies and insure the vitality of the Underground for future generations, the Underground is holding an open contest this summer. The contest will be used to pick students to fill the vacant membership positions within the Underground, including the position of Editor-in-Chief. Any current or incoming student and/or facility member at CCHS is welcome to compete.
So what is this grand sword-in-the-stone competition you ask? Quite simple really. Prospects are asked to convey to the Underground what they believe to be the greatest contribution to humankind. We, however, do not want any essays, paragraphs, or other standard CSAP-esque responses. Instead, you are asked to convey your thoughts via the contents of either a package of volume equal to or less than 0.125 cubic feet or an envelope of area equal to or less than 0.5625 square feet. Entries should be delivered to:

Submission Deadline Passed
Processing..............................

Entries must be postmarked or dropped off by Wednesday, July 1st. In the event of a tie, however, preference will be given to the first received entry. Entries will be evaluated based upon their creativity, hilarity, ridiculousness, philosophical merit, religious upheaval, cult following, and/or weight. All entires will be evaluated by at least three departing members of the Underground. Entries should include contact information so that we may reach you if you are selected. We encourage everyone to enter. Have a good summer, send us your thought, and good luck.

By the numbers...

Please enjoy a timed sequence of this mornings events, if you weren't there to see it in person. But first, some figures:

200 Sq Ft of black cotton fabric
120 Yds white Duck tape
80 Yds black Duck tape
3 hours to assemble
45 minutes to deploy atop the library... at 2:00 in the morning
4.5 seconds to unfold when fishing wire trigger lines were pulled at 7:00 this morning

And now...

...1

...2

...3

Walrus and Carpenter Hacking Co. Awesomeness

Giant Pirate Flag!

A message from our sister agency,
The Walrus and Carpenter Hacking Co.:

Hope you enjoyed the flag.

The spray paint was not our work. We encourage everyone to try to dissuade such crass "pranks", as they are not very funny but are highly destructive. Take it up a notch or stay home.

Also, anyone with pictures of the flag, please feel free to post them here or e-mail them to hackit.usu@gmail.com. No pictures of graffiti please.

USU Summer Reading!

Dear Loyal Friends and Persistent Enemies,

The USU is proud to announce the release of Issue 6. Go to http://groups.google.com/group/UnionStreetUnderground/files?upload=1 and print your copies. Kindly enjoy it while completing your finals this year, as well as during the warm days of the forthcoming summer. A few notes to consider with this issue:

• As the Seniors are no longer in a position to help print and distribute the USU, this grand task falls to you. Not to sound like a broken record, but the exposure of the Underground is completely dependent on the benevolence of our readers in their efforts to print and distribute copies. Get as many printed and distributed as you can before we break for the summer. Thank you and good luck.
• Pay special attention to the USU summer contest (Page 6, Issue 6), as this will be used to choose next year’s USU members. Be awesome, have fun.

Thank you all for an excellent year. We hope you have a good summer and we look forward to working with you again next year. Also, stay tuned to the Blog/Facebook for updates and articles throughout the summer. Keep up the Underground lifestyle, and considering overthrowing a small underdeveloped government. Peace.

- The Union Street Underground

Final Call for 2006-2007 Submissions!

Good Evening Ladies, Gentlemen, Members of the Church, Candlestick Makers, and Others,

We are please to put out our final call for submission to be considered for the final issue of the Underground during the 2006-2007 school year. In addition to the usual submissions, we are also interested in hearing your opinion on what you have thought of the USU this year and where you would like the Underground to go in the future.

All material should be e-mailed to submit.usu@gmail.com before graduation. We thank you all for your support this year and hope you have enjoyed our efforts thus far. We would love to see a final surge of excellent submissions to insure that the last issue of the year goes out on a good note.

Enjoy the last few weeks of the year. We hope to hear from you soon. Keep on living free.

Sincerely,

The Union Street Underground

All The Cool Kids Vote....

Remember to vote for The Underground Senior Awards... because the school endorsed versions just aren't our style...

All CCHS students may vote. Only current CCHS Seniors may be nominated. Send your votes to submit.usu@gmail.com by May 7th.

12. Most likely to be masquerading as the boring everyday alter-ego of an actual crime-fighting spandex-wearing superhero.
11. Most likely to become a famous ground-breaking “Andy Warhol-esque” pornographer.
10. First to be unjustly incarcerated by the forces of Evil for his or her work to uphold Good in the world.
9. First to ingeniously escape unjust incarceration using a spoon, two toothpicks, and a stick of sealing wax.
8. Most likely to bring Fascism back.
7. Most likely to have a mathematical constant named after him/her.
6. Most likely to really be a robot secretly working to overthrow humanity.
5. Next Dr. February.
4. Probably a unicorn.
3. First General Secretary of the New Soviet Union of Socialist States (Coming Soon).
2. Most likely to have an STD named after him/her.
1. Most likely to build a secret underground base deep inside a volcano located on a remote uncharted island somewhere in the South
Pacific, and from this base to create an elite shadow government that will slowing coop all political power in the world through the
cunning use of toothpaste additives resulting in a highly centralized power structure the likes of which would make the Illuminati,
or whoever currently controls the world, proud.

The USU Encourages You To SAVE THE WORLD!

Dear Readers of The Union Street Underground,

Today, we are proud to announce the release of the Union Street Underground Special Earth Day Issue. As you are all aware, we are currently approaching that time of year again when it becomes necessary to remember that we live on a fairly fragile sphere of rock, one which we must protect, as leaving is not easy.

Head over to the files section (http://groups.google.com/group/UnionStreetUnderground/files) to download and print your copies (on recycled paper of course).

Print and distribute as many copies as you are able to around CCHS over the next several days. Have fun, be creative, personalize your copies, and Save The Planet!

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
The Union Street Underground

Love The Underground, Love The Planet

Dear Members, Supporters, Readers, Administrators, and Others of the Union Street Underground,

In addition to Issue 5, the Underground will be sponsoring a shorter Earth Day release of the USU. The issue will focus on environmental and sustainability issues as they pertain to CCHS and the surrounding communities. Anyone who has a specific submission they feel would suit the Earth Day Issue should submit it to submit.usu@gmail.com by the evening of Sunday, April 15th. Thank you for your help.

Sincerely,
The Union Street Underground

The Senior Plank - Hack # 1

Our first senior hack was completed Thursday evening. For those of you lucky enough to see it this morning, a large “Senior Plank” was inserted into the ground just to the East of the Old School House. The “Plank” consisted of a 10 X 1 wooden board painted on both side with the words “Senior Plank”. The plank was inserted two feet into the ground with a flanged bottom to prevent easy extraction.

If you missed the plank, or just caught the leftover pieces later in the day, it is because the fine members of the Cherry Creek High School Security Team removed (albeit, not gracefully) the plank during 1^st period. We look forward to completing our next prank soon. If you would like to assist or have nay ideas, contact hackIt.usu@gmail.com. Also, if any one has a picture of the plank, please send it to us.

Stay tuned for pictures, hopefully. Thank you for your time.

Issue 4, 1000 Strong!

Issue 4 Released!

Our goal is for everyone to print at least 10 copies. If you all follow through, there will be more than 1000 copies flooding the school. Awesome.

Color, black and white, or otherwise, print and distribute as many as you can.

Issue 4 may be downloaded from:
http://groups.google.com/group/UnionStreetUnderground/files

Also, as part of our Underground Personalization effort, feel free to decorate the margins of the copies you print. Make every copy of the USU a collector’s item, and leave the mark of your hard won printing efforts for others to see.

Be creative in your distribution, have fun, and always use a rubber.

Facebook! So evil, yet so... connected.

The USU now has an official Facebook group. We're not exactly sure how we feel about this. Oh well. Enjoy!

Visit http://hs.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2256449902 to join.

Advice from a caterpillar...

Good Evening Kings, Queens, Dutches, Knights, Knaves, Playing Cards, Chess Pieces, Rabbits, Dodos, Cheshire Cats, Footmen, Mice, Tiger-lilies, Hatters (possibly mad), Carpenters, Walruses, and Others,

Tomorrow the Union Street Underground will be celebrating Lewis Carol Day and the Spring Equinox. Please take this opportunity to read the numerous works of Lewis Carol, to smoke hookah on a giant mushroom, to have tea parties, to play chess, to solve riddles, to do math with alternate number systems, to speak in logic puzzles, or to do anything else that you feel to be appropriate for the occasion.

Enjoy thinking outside of the box, falling down rabbit holes, and the first day of spring.

Sincerely,
The Union Street Underground

Caesar or CSAP. That is the question.

Good Evening Students of Cherry Creek High School and Other Interested Parties,

Many of us here at the Underground spent today either frolicking in luscious green meadows, overthrowing small third-world countries, learning how to fly broomsticks, or playing Chinese checkers with high ranking members of the Catholic Church.

To everyone who was not so fortunate: we hope you thoroughly enjoyed the first of your three yearly CSAP experiences. Your dedication to ensuring our school remains at the top of every list, except for those containing the word "diversity", is greatly appreciated. Bravo.

A few thing to consider while you continue your pursuit of... excellence:

• Honer and glory to any of you who mange to use the phrase "Union Street Underground" and the word "Awesome" together in your response to one of the CSAP essays or short answer prompts. E-mail us at submit.usu@gmail.com with your story.
• Beware Thursday. It is the Ides of March. Unless you wish to invoke the wrath of the pantheon of Roman gods, we recommend wearing a toga, laurel, or some other tribute to all that the Roman's left us to school on Thursday. E-mail or text your pictures to submit.usu@gmail.com.
• We don't really have anything to put for this bullet point. We're just messing with you. One thousand apologies for the inconvenience.
• As it turns out, we did have something to put for the previous bullet point, but due to a disruption in the chain of communication, we were not informed of it until just now. Those who were responsible have been sacked. Again, one thousand apologies for the inconvenience.
• If there was no incompetence in our world, this would have followed the third bullet point: If is within your capabilities, please print a few extra copies of any issue the USU and hand them out to your friends before CSAPs start Wednesday and Thursday morning. The Underground makes excellent reading in between tests, and is proven to replace the creativity and will to live that are often depleted during the course of the CSAPs.
  

Thank you to all of you who have been contributing to the steady flow of submissions we have received. We look forward to the release of Issue 4 with great anticipation. Keep up the good work. And long live the Colorado Student Assessment Program!

The New Calendar Is Here!

Check out the now public Underground Calendar of Important Events. The link is on your left (like many things at the Underground). Enjoy staying up to date on USU events!

-The Union Street Underground
Cherry Creek High School

And When The Third Issue Was Released, God Said...

'
"Go forth and print this, for it is Good." And there was much rejoicing.

This evening, we are proud to announce the release of The Union Street Underground Issue 3. Both the "letter" version as well as the "tabloid" version may be downloaded at http://groups.google.com/group/UnionStreetUnderground/files. Go there and download them. Now.

Please print as many copies as you are able and distribute them throughout the rest of this week (and next week, and the week after... hell, just distribute them until Issue 4 comes out). Also, tell your friends about the Underground and encourage them to print and distribute some copies too. The more copies we get out there, the better Issue 4 will be, and the more fulfilled you will feel about your purpose in life.

We hope that you all enjoy Issue 3. As always, we have already begun working on Issue 4. Your submissions, ideas, and thermonuclear weapons are greatly appreciated. Please send them to submit.usu@gmail.com.

Also, if you are just now joining us, be sure to check out Issue 1 and Issue 2, also available in the Files section.

Have fun and be creative with your distribution techniques. May everyone have the best of luck subverting authority and spreading the Underground for the rest of the week.

Thank you all for your help. Enjoy Issue 3.

Sincerely,

The Union Street Underground
Cherry Creek High School

The Third Issue Cometh...

Good Day Noble Readers of the Underground,

We are currently working to complete Issue 3. You may look forward to its release within the next couple of weeks. Thank you for the grand number of submissions we have received. The Underground is beginning to take the form we had hoped it would.

A few things to note:

• Issue 3 will be six pages (three front and back) long. The extra page will allow us to include more material and reader submissions. Please plan accordingly.
• Issue 3 will be released in two formats. Format One will be printed on six (three front and back) 8.5 X 11 inch "letter" pages. Format Two will be printed on two (one front and back) 11 X 17 inch "tabloid" pages (folded down the center) with two (one front and back) 8.5 by 11 inch "letter" pages in the center.
• Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.
• We are still looking for USU distributors to help us get Issue 3 to the masses. While any one can print and distribute the USU, our official distributors receive copies of each issue several days earlier than the general public. Distributors also have the opportunity to participate in organized printing activities to maximize our resources. If you are interested, please contact submit.usu@gmail.com.

Thank you for your support. And remember, the Underground is not just an awesome newspaper, its an awesome way of life.

Look for an update before the release of Issue Three, and keep on living free.

Sincerely,

The Union Street Underground
Cherry Creek High School
Greenwood Village, CO

Progress Is Sweet!

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thank you for your support this week during the release of Issue 2. The distribution has gone spindly. We have received many excellent submissions as well as a strong show of support. Also of note, none of us have been kidnapped by men in black suits driving black SUVs during the black night to be flown on black planes to black sites where black bags will be but over our heads while we are brutally questioned. Always remember to be thankful.

The USU is well on its way to establishing itself as a respectable Underground powerhouse at Cherry Creek High School. This honor we owe to you.

While we have made much progress (see the title), there is still more that we can do. Continue to submit your work to the Underground. We really love reading it. We also love putting the best of it into the next Issue.

Please continue to print copies of both Issue 1 and Issue 2 and distribute them to your friends/teachers/others who have not seen them yet. The more copies that we get out there, the better our chances for long term survival.

Keep up the good work. We are all looking forward to the release of Issue 3 sometime between now and a month from now. Thanks again for your efforts.

Good night and good luck.

Issue Two Released: Print and Be Merry!

Issue Two was released this afternoon. Head over to the newsgroup files section at http://groups.google.com/group/UnionStreetUnderground/files to download and print a copy.

If you are just now joining us, Issue 1 is still available at the same location. Print and read it!

As always, we rely on your help to increase our exposure. Please do your part to print and distribute the Underground. Everyone can print a few copies for their friends and/or enemies.

We are accepting submissions for Issue Three, to be released within a month. Please send your work, quotes, rants, short paragraphs, art, or ideas to submit.usu@gmail.com.

We love to hear your comments. Let us know what you think by commenting on individual articles or by posting a message on our newsgroup (See link on left for more information).

Thank you for your help and support. Check back by the blog periodically for updates, news, and last minute activities. Also, if you would like to join our mailing list or become an official distributor, drop us a line at submit.usu@gmail.com.

Enjoy.

Students and Sleep Deprivation

By fiftyfive

fiftyfive.usu@gmail.com

Students don't get enough sleep. Most studies suggest that students in US high schools , on average, between 6 and 7 hours of sleep a night. The recommended amount of sleep for teenagers is 8.5 to 9 hours. With the National Sleep Foundation pinning the average number of hours of sleep per night at 6.8, the simple fact is, most students aren't getting enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can affect performance in many areas, including test scores, the ability to focus, the ability to drive, and obviously the ability to stay awake in class. This issue represents not only a danger to one's health, but also to public safety, and will affect students' academic records.

Many people would blame personal lifestyle choices for the disparity between the average amount of sleep and the necessary amount of sleep. There is, however, scientific evidence that school schedules are specifically antagonistic to the natural sleep cycle of most teenagers. It all relates to circadian rhythms; these are the rhythms that govern our sleeping patterns, and they follow roughly a 24 hour cycle that's often affected both by previous sleeping patterns and light sensitivity. The effect of light sensitivity on circadian rhythms reveals that teenagers would naturally be going to bed around 11 PM, which can't fit into an eight hour sleeping schedule if you have to be up by 6 AM to get ready for school. It's simple: waking up at 6 AM is unnatural for teenagers, and leads to teenagers getting less sleep than they ought to be.

The simplest evidence for this is much more obvious: during the summer, when school isn't around, most teenagers get much more sleep than they get during the school year. The same is true of weekends. If lifestyles, and not school schedules, were responsible for loss of sleep, then you'd expect to see the opposite: inhibitory effects of school schedules on personal lifestyle choices disappear in the summer and on weekends, so teenagers would be getting less sleep as opposed to more.

Of course, you may be saying just now, "so what? Why does any of this matter at all?" First off, screw you. Second off, it has effects on many areas of your life. Sleep loss is correlated with increased aging, depression, headaches, weight gain, increased blood pressure, irritability, blurred vision, disorientation, ADHD symptoms, and in extreme cases, hallucinations and psychosis. None of these are fun things to deal with. Sleep deprivation also causes traffic accidents; the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration will tell you that over 100,000 accidents a year are caused by fatigue and drowsiness, and it's been shown that losing two hours of sleep a night for a week can have similar effects on your ability to drive as alcohol. If you have thousands of drowsy students driving into school every day, you're clearly going to have problems with accidents, and that's a safety issue more than anything else. That combined with the other effects listed above ought to be enough to convince you that this sleep deprivation bit is nasty business.

It also has effects on academic ability. The University of Minnesota did a comparative study between students who went to schools starting at 7:15 vs. those that started at 8:30, and they found that on average, schools beginning at 8:30 had higher average GPAs, and students that got more sleep. Sleepy students have also do worst on standardized testing (this part's important, Administration!) such as the SATs, ACTs, and of course the infamous CSAPs. As Dr. James B. Maas, Cornell University psychologist, and a leading sleep expert has said, "Almost all teenagers, as they reach puberty, become walking zombies because they are getting far too little sleep." How can zombies compete academically if they're too busy hunting for brains to eat instead of using their own? Since standardized testing now helps determines a school's annual budget, you'd think that schools would have a vested economic interest in keeping their schedules comfortable for teen sleeping cycles, right?

Wrong. It all has to do with busing schedules. They have to provide enough transportation to get around 4,000 students to school every day, and that's only for Creek. The district has to provide enough busing for the middle schools, and the other high schools of the district, as well as many elementary schools. If high schools and elementary schools started at the same time, the district would have to double up on buses, as well as drivers, and if they tried to switch the elementary schools to starting at 7:20, the district would have to deal with a shitload of angry soccer moms. Obviously, your health is less important than the corresponding increase in tax dollars and the extreme bitchiness that shit-loads of soccer moms can bring.

So what's the solution? Isn't it obvious by now!? You should be sleeping in class. Yes, that's right, sleeping in class is the solution to your sleep deprivation problems. One in four students nationwide admitted to sleeping in class at least once a week, and in my opinion, that isn't nearly enough. As a student, you have no power to affect administrative decisions and duties, and your parents will think you're a lazy, pathetic piece of crap if you say you need to be getting more sleep, so they won't attempt to use their meager political associations to try to change things in your favor. Sleeping in class is the only rational solution, and honestly, is it really a better usage of your time to learn useless trivialities relating to Euclidean geometry, or a boring physics lecture, or some odd stuff about the Romantic period in literature and William Wordsworth? Sleep is a basic biological necessity; you need it to live. That puts it well above all of the boring lectures you'd be missing, and if you organize your sleeping patterns in school well, there's always your geeky friend that took notes instead of napping, so you're still set. So sleep in class, for your own good and the good of our standardized test scores.

The Most Noble Profession

By Number Three

three.usu@gmail.com

Just like any other morning during my time in the fourth grade, I had awakened and eaten breakfast. I was about to leave my house for the bus stop when I chanced to look up at the clock on the wall. 8:30. All well and fine, except for the fact that the bus came at 8:32. One long string of fourth-grade-appropriate expletives later, I was out the door and sprinting down the street. 8:31. Barreling around the corner, I was just in time... to see the bus driving off.

There I was, a sad dejected fourth grader with nothing more than an extremely limited vocabulary for expressing the natural feelings inherent in such a situation. I had just made the mistake every self respecting elementary school student dreads and begin to prepare myself for the 10 year old's equivalent of the walk of shame that accompanies it. Oh man, life's a bitch.

Cue cloud-parting miracle... now.

I heard a low rumble. Akin to the type one would experience right before having their bedroom wall run down by an Abram at 2 in the morning. I looked up, prepared to meet my fate at the trunk of a rabid rampant elephant in full battle gear. Alas, what I saw was not, in fact, a legendary beast, nor was it a 21st century battle tank. It, ladies and gentlemen, was the source of my salvation.

A large green behemoth had pulled up next to me. Its metal skin glinted in the morning sun, a large forked arm was attached to its front, and it exhibited a peculiar curved rear. A large WM was prominently displaced on its side. In the drivers seat sat a man at least four times my size. He turned his head and I caught my reflection in the lenses of his silver aviators. AC-DC's "Highway to Hell" echoed out of the cab. "Hey bro", my savior boomed, "I saw you miss that bus. Can I give you a ride?"

Boy, had my luck changed. Still speechless from the sheer level of coolness that had suddenly descended upon me, I climbed into the cab with my new-found padre. "Hang tight", he said as he shifted his beast into gear, "I'll have you there in no time at all". Had the vocabulary been available to me at the time, I believe the following word would have been used to describe my situation: 'Fuck!'.

We lumbered forward, AC-DC power rifts lighting our path. At twenty miles per hour in a twenty ton vehicle, I was about to become the coolest kid in the school. Possibly the coolest kid ever to walk the halls of the school. My classmates would speak of my triumph for decades. The teachers would want my autograph. No one messes with you after you show up to school in a fucking trash truck.

As we rounded another corner and the school came into view, the elation of victory swept though me. Caesar didn't feel this good when he marched back into Rome after winning at Munda. We pulled up to the school. "Here we are bro. Take it easy.", the driver said. I believe my response was something along the lines of "Thank you my Lord and Savior, for you have delivered my from darkness into light". But to tell you the truth, my memory's a little shady on the topic. I hoped out of the cab and landed on the ground.

I was Neil Fucking Armstrong. One small step for a fourth grader, one giant step for never having to worry about my street cred again. My classmates stared in awe. I think some of them may have bowed. I paraded into the school leaving pure Awesome in my wake.

But this story isn't about the petty struggle for respect that every fourth grader faces. It's not about how cool I may have believed myself to be. In fact, its really not even about me. There are only two thing I hope you take from this.

The first is: Nothing makes you feel empowered like riding in a fucking trash truck. Nothing, nadda, nilch.

The second is: No matter what you grow up to be, no matter which company your grow up to own, no matter how big your office is, how famous you may become, or how many cars you fit in your suburban garage, you will never, ever, be as noble as the person who grows up to be an aviator wearing, hard rock playing, wise beyond explanation, trash truck driver. And no matter how much you might think your going to change the world, you have nothing on the men and women in the waste reclamation business who are changing it everyday, one dejected fourth grader at a time.

Anyone want to reevaluate their wish to get a a degree in business?

A Letter to Adults Who Are Unlikely to Respond.

Dear Adults,

I’ve recently come to understand, that despite the unfair and slanderous comments which many of my peers make in feeble attempts to marginalize your worth- that you are in fact, wiser and more capable than the peons you call teenagers. In addition to this realization, it's also been brought to my attention that due to the fact that death has been gradually downsizing your kind for sometime, there may be some positions open in your department. All of this, of course, brings me to my proposal- I would like to integrate my service base into your experience base. In short, I want the job.

While I am not yet legally eligible, I'd appreciate your consideration and respect in allowing me to explain why I am appropriate for this position.

To begin- I have a profound understanding of your department's procedural concerns. Clearly, in a world where most- if not all- people simply suck their livelihoods from the tireless efforts of adults, it is hard to maintain a cheery attitude. In fact, I would contend that the vast majority of crimes against humanity committed (while committed by adults) can simply be attributed to the utter selfishness and impropriety of all other age groups. Where were the children when the allied forces invaded Germany to save the Jews? Where were the elderly when Aslan was brutally murdered by the White Witch? (I apologize for the obvious obscurity of that example, as it references a novelty story meant for very weak-minded children) Nevertheless, the conclusion to be made is clear- adults are the unsung heroes of our time. Day in and day out, they trudge onto highways and trains, to fields and to skyscrapers- all the while facing such unimaginable horrors as "social pressure", "stress" and "lack of sleep"- horrors which children, adolescents and the elderly cannot even begin to comprehend. While I am a teenager, and inherently lack any true ability to empathize with the problems of "stress", "lack of sleep" and "social pressure" I implore you to accept my sincere promise to seek recompense for adults everywhere.

My aforementioned qualifications for adulthood are bolstered by the fact that I have a significant breadth of experience in fulfilling traditional adult roles. As a lifeguard at a community pool- I was given the right, nay the responsibility, to destroy the very spirit which breeds horseplay, fun and summertime tomfoolery. Each day as I lay that proud whistle around my neck, I was given the authority of an adult. In fact, I was so exceedingly competent at my work- that a young dandy once wet himself while I explained to him why it is unwise to enter the ladies locker room during pool hours and otherwise. This example not only reinforces the stupidity and incompetence of children, but demonstrates why I must be your ally in the struggle against the steady degradation of society via the carelessness and neediness of children and the elderly.

Finally, it is only logical to award me this position due to my tireless commitment to honoring the legacy of my role models. First and foremost, I heartily admire those selfless civil servants who are so crudely referred to as politicians. Even as a young and dimwitted child I could respect the efficiency with which our nation’s leaders castigated Bill Clinton for his blatant disrespect for all that is decent. Truly, it is the priority of our nation's elected officials to maintain the moral dignity of our highest political office- even in the face of such obstacles as the needy, whiny lower class and the constant barrage of media attention focused on everything but the continued plight of family values in a world full of scheming, subversive people like Bill Clinton. Politicians continue to be a glimmer of hope for the adult pride movement. Cutting worthless early childhood education programs and prescription drug benefits was only the beginning. Politicians of late have been working to maintain low gas prices for adults today by cutting costs of foreign oil through invading countries-all on the handy little charge card of America's youth. Our beloved political leaders are beyond willing to spend the $100000 a minute it costs to fight for the continued dominance of the American Adult, in fact, they're so willing to do it, you'd think they were actually making money! Kudos, my friends. This is indeed the spirit which I admire, and will bring to your table, hopefully carrying adults into a future of newfound importance and respect.

Sincerely,

Hannalore M. Chatham

USU Home Printing Tips

If you're using normal 8.5 X 11 paper, it can be somewhat time consuming to print off the front page, flip it for the back, and then print the backside, and repeat this for every collection of two pages, and then go on to staple it all together, so here's a fairly simple explanation of how to make it go somewhat faster. These methods wouldn't work with 17 x 11 paper, however.

1. Determine how many copies you're printing off at once.
2. Go to 'Print' in Adobe Reader.
3. Change 'subset' to odd pages only, and make sure the reverse button is unchecked.
4. Designate the number of copies, and make sure the collate button is checked.
5. Click the print button, and wait for all copies to print out.
6. Flip the entire stack over so that the side to be printed on is blank, and make sure that the page's orientation is right so that the top is still the top on both sides.
7. Go to 'Print' again in Adobe Reader.
8. Change the subset to even pages only, and make sure the reverse button is checked.
9. Insert the same # of copies to be produced as was used previously.
10. Print.

All that's left after that is to staple them together, since they should be in the proper order and orientation. Good work.

-- Number Fifty-five
The Union Street Underground

P.S. Issue two to be realised soon. Keep your head up, or down, whichever you find more effective.

The State of the Underground

Good Day Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thank you for your help and support during this, our inaugural, week. Your work printing and distributing Issue 1, as well as your effort to tell your friends about us, will not be forgotten.

Also, bully of a job to all of you who were carrying toothbrushes at school today. Both the USU and the state of dental hygiene in America are stronger thanks to your efforts.

We are currently shifting from Issue 1 release mode to Issue to composition mode. Please keep spreading the word about the USU and handing out copies of Issue 1, but also consider submitting something for Issue 2.

We are starting a “rant” section to be published in each issue. In addition to the normal material, please feel free to e-mail us a one or two sentence rant on a topic of your choice.

For anyone with artistic talents, we are looking to feature a cartoon or picture in Issue 2. Please scan your work and submit it via e-mail, or contact Number Eight (eight.usu@gmail.com) to arrange a physical submission.

Keep up the fight.

-The Union Street Underground

The picture is of ILLMITCH, my favorite rapper.
Visit him at illmitch.com.

Platonic Loving,
Eight

Print and Toothbrush

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Tomorrow marks the last part of our opening act. If you are reading this, it probably means that you have already heard of the Union Street Underground.

Many others, however, have not. To help remedy this we ask everyone who is capable to due the following two things:

1. Head over to the Files section of the newsgroup. Once there, download Issue 1 and print as many copies as you can. Hand these out tomorrow to anyone who will let you get close enough to shove one into their hand.
2. Bring a toothbrush to school tomorrow. Proudly display this, the symbol of your good dental hygiene, in your left hand while traversing the massive ice fields between your classes. Remember, all good supporters of the Underground carry toothbrushes.

Thank you for your help and support. Enjoy.

-Three

P.S. I don't know what the below picture is all about. Talk to Eight. It must be an even number thing.

seriously, we want you to tell us how dumb we are

well, you can also tell us nice things. the point is, issue one was like training wheels for the usu. we need help, we need more submissions and most of all we need feedback. if you have anything to say at all, spit it out. we are lonely and wish we had more emails. LOVE AND KISSIES, the Union Street Underground

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised (However, It Will Be Printed)

By The Revolution

Good day.

It is a great pleasure to finally make your introduction. Please allow me to congratulate you on making it this far. There were many forces working against the moment we are experiencing now. You, however, showed great strength and fortitude in overcoming the obstacles to get here and meet me.

Please allow me to apologize. I am afraid that I have been very rude. You see, I know you. I know your name. I know your brothers and sisters, your friends and colleagues. I knew your parents, and I hope to one day meet your children. I have watched you grow up. I have seen you learn and mature.

But you do not know me. Allow me to remedy this, a most dishonorable, situation.

I am The Revolution. And this, The Union Street Underground, is but one of my many facets. Please do not make the mistake of thinking me naive. I have been around for many years. I have witnessed great moments and have had the pleasure to work with exceptional people.

I had hoped that we would be introduced before this point, but unfortunately, I have been away on an extended leave of absence. The time, however, was ripe for my return. So here I am now, finally making the introduction that has been far, far too long delayed.

This introduction, however, grows long. We have much to do, and limited time with which to do it. Since we will be interacting via the publication you are now reading, I feel it is appropriate to give you a brief run down on its operation.

The Union Street Underground, is not The Revolution. It is but my voice and my ears. It is an open student forum, to be used for the expression and debate of not only my ideas but, more importantly, yours. It is also a place of jovial conversation. A place to enjoy yourself and the company of those that you have the opportunity to work with. It will be published as often as is necessary to meet our needs.

But as high and noble as that sounds, it is the details that make this work. So please allow me to cover them.

Anyone may submit ideas, articles, artwork, event notifications, breakfast cereals, or anything else you feel is appropriate to the Union Street Underground. You will find that in this instance, "anyone" is not limited to the normal societal restrictions. We wish to hear from students and teachers, dissenters and supporters, The Good and The Administration, Earthlings and space aliens... anyone. Please send your work to submit.usu@gmail.com. Text may be sent either as an attachment or within the body of your message, pictures should be sent as an attachment, and breakfast cereals should be shipped to:

The Union Street Underground

144 Revolution Drive

The Known Universe

Also to note, The Union Street Underground operates under pseudonyms only. I have taken this step for several reasons. First, and most obviously, we use pseudonyms to protect our true identities. I do not feel that we are breaking any rules, violating any laws, or desecrating any Universal Moral Principles, but there are those that disagree. It will be far easier to become familiar if we can avoid being interrupted by those who do not see the Underground as we see the Underground. I am sorry for this necessity.

The second reason, however, is far more important. I am thrilled that I have finally met you, but I still have a few reservations about our relationship. I fear that you might judge me and my friends before your truly know us. That you might be inclined to associate us with certain projections that our society, despite our best efforts, has encouraged. If you truly wish to get to know us, you must do so from a blank slate. Eventually, I hope that we will be adequately acquainted to the point were this is no longer necessary. The point at which we can all speak as equals and view each other for who we truly are, without the distortions to which we are all naturally, and most unfortunately, predisposed.

Those of you who regularly submit work will be invited to join the USU as a full voting member. You will receive an official pseudonym and will have the opportunity to make decisions regarding the operation of the USU. We are also looking for anyone willing to dedicate their time, their ink, and their printer to join the USU as an official distributor. As we are a pure student forum, we print and distribute the USU ourselves. It is designed to be printed on either two sheets of normal 8.5" by 11" paper or a single folded sheet of 11" by 17" paper. The USU is also available in digital format at http://unionstreetunderground.blogspot.com/. Here you may post comments on our articles. The printable .pdf version of the USU is available through our newsgroup at http://groups-beta.google.com/group/UnionStreetUnderground. Click the Files link on the right to download and print it. You may also use this website to post comments not related to an individual article.

I feel that at this point there is something very important that you must know about me. I have but one weakness, but it is crippling. I do not, as you do, posess the ability to exist autonomously. I can only live as part of others. I am but an idea that you must entertain. It is for this reason that I implore you to allow me to stay. To allow us this opportunity to develop our friendship. I implore you to participate in our discussion and to strengthen our beliefs. I can do no more than ask for your help, ask for your willingness to participate. It is you who must make the ultimate decision.

But if you do feel that this relationship might work, that it might grow and prosper, then I look forward with great anticipation to our future together. It's going to be a hell of a ride. Make sure you wear your seat belt.

(Published in Issue 1)

Eulogy

By Remm

I would like to write a eulogy for dreams
shattered and pitiful on nameless cobblestones
washed down mossy gutters by the soiled rain
of a city that is foreign to you
that does not know your name
and does not care to ask.

(Published in Issue 1)

The Underground Calender: Issue 1

Friday, January 19th: Show your support for the USU -

Carry a toothbrush in your left hand while walking the halls at Creek. Little known fact: All good revolutionaries carry toothbrushes.

Saturday, January 20th (3:00 PM): Streaking Team Interest Meeting -

Any students interested in going out for Streaking this spring are asked to attend a general interest meeting to be held at Westlands Park. The meeting will provide information on the organization of the team and upcoming events. Participants should meet at the playground. We are also looking for two captains to chair this year's team. Interested students should apply for this position at submit.usu@gmail.com.

Friday, January 26th (5th period) : CCHS Library Croquet Open -

Appropriate period attire (hat, jacket, etc.) and croquet stick required. Having your student ID on your person while participating is prohibited. Student's who bring their student ID will not be allowed to play. Meet at A Short History of England, Call # 942 McE.

The Necessity of Sticking It to The Man

By Number Five

five.usu@gmail.com

Thomas Jefferson once said “the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” He had an extremely valid point in his day, when the only way to bring about social change was to wage lengthy wars. Now that America’s government, along with many other governments in the world, allows the common citizen to influence policy, Jefferson’s statement does not have as much bearing on the avenues of change.

Many Americans argue that political activism is useless, claiming that their vote can never make a difference when mingled with millions of other voters. What these people don’t realize is that voting is only the beginning; influence in the policy-making process goes so much deeper. For a start, one can write letters to his or her representatives and senators. Popular belief tends to claim that the aforementioned activity won’t influence anyone, yet if enough of a constituency believes in an issue, and the congressperson knows the feelings of his/her people, a change will be made. After all, a congressperson’s goal is always reelection, and one can’t be elected without votes. Another way of influencing government is lobbying elected officials. As with writing or calling a representative, a trip to the representative’s office shows that you truly care about an issue. The most important method of influencing government, however, is by sticking it to The Man.

The necessity of sticking it to The Man is rooted in the necessity of keeping the government on its toes. A government must never take for granted the citizens’ respect for their authority. When a regime realizes that the people will let them do whatever they see fit, that regime begins to take away freedoms. Those in power put their greedy little toes in the water of corruption, and if the people don’t lash out, they’ll jump right in. Public indifference to the policy of a government is a catalyst for the creation of oppressive tyrants. By sticking it to The Man regularly, the government can see that the people don’t have the utmost respect for its authority.

One might now argue that one person defying an empire will do no good. Fortunately for us, this point is invalid. By sticking it to The Man, one inspires others to follow suit. Thus, one is never alone in one’s quest to keep the government honest. Another might argue that laws are in place for a reason, and breaking them is just foolish. Let me be clear: I am in no way advocating breaking the law in ways that would harm another human. The idea is to keep the institution of government on its toes, not to infringe on the rights of our brothers and sisters. In fact, I’m not actually advocating breaking the law, just sticking it to The Man (which may or may not require actually breaking the law).

The only question that remains: how does one go about the act of sticking it to The Man? Well your reading this. So that's a start. But the rest, my friends, is left to your own creativity.

(Published in Issue 1)

Open Letter to Keebler Elves

Keebler Elf Tree
1625 E. Cocoa Parkway
Edmonton, Canada

To Keebler Elves it may concern:

I recently discovered, whilst examining a box of Keebler Cinnamon Crisp graham crackers- that the Keebler Cinnamon Crisp graham cracker is a "Healthy Snack Families Choose!" Herein lies my query! Where is the dessert cracker for the lonely, substance abusing old guy? Where is the graham cracker for the poor disease infested prostitute? Or even the perpetually nomadic hippie? The thrice-divorced card shark? Which snack is for them?!! Can't this cold world just give a chance...and a delightful cinnamon-ey cracker to the ones who have nothing else to cling to?!

I say to you Keebler Elf - ACCEPT THE UNWANTED! DESSERT CRACKERS FOR ALL!!

..and think of the numbers on market expansion!

Love,

Douglass M. Brunstein
Loyal Fan of graham crackers,and other Keebler products.

(Published in Issue 1)

Issue 1: Short Paragraphs

Unicorns are AWESOME

"This is not the right way to bounce back from a break-up," Regina huffed. "He's taking a real person, and I'm taking a UNICORN." She sat silently for a minute, and watched the traffic pulse under her dirty high rise window. Then, exhaling furiously, remarked, "Wait a minute, why did I think that was a bad idea? Unicorns are AWESOME." Indeed, her acknowledgement of the awesome power of the majestic beast worked. And as Regina and her unicorn friend flitted into the bedazzled midnight, he reminded her, "My dear, we belong to no one."

Dawn

Robert clutched the railing of the balcony and stared out into the gathering of light that signaled the approach of morning. The last gasp of night's purple stain faded into a soft and inviting pink that began to softly envelope every other shade of the sky's symphony of color. He watched as each building in the city's jagged skyline was softened by the blanket of light about its shoulders; slowly, day acknowledged existence. He gazed out and thought how beautiful it all was, and how ironic and deceptive that beauty could be. Then, with a final sigh, he slowly leaned over and tumbled out of life and into dawn.

(Published in Issue 1)

Editorials, and the Fallacy of the Golden Mean

by Elias LV

fiftyfive.usu@gmail.com

Articles that take a specific position are often seen as less objective than articles that strive for the center. This is a flaw. It's based off of the golden mean fallacy, wherein one assumes that the truth on any given dispute lies exactly between the two opposing sides. Take gun control, for instance: if an article cites figures which make a ban on assault rifles seem like a good idea, it'll be discounted as partisan or biased, even if it reports only facts. Sometimes, facts can make their own conclusions, and that conclusion isn't always between two opposing sides. Is there any reason that it should be? Yet, the running standard for 'objectivity' in an article is that it doesn't favor one side.

This is a terrible mistake. Sometimes, reality truly does favor one side over another, and an objective analysis will lead to a conclusion that may be considered 'partisan,' and which may be needlessly dismissed as being 'biased.' A simple example is that of Intelligent Design vs. Evolution. The truth is that intelligent design has no validity at all as a scientific theory, despite what non-scientists will say. The vast majority of all evidence points to evolution as the culprit behind biological diversity. This evidence includes vast genetic data, fossil records, and physiological evidence in many species. If you doubt this, read any book on evolution by a competent biologist. It tends to be books written by non-scientists and theologians that favor intelligent design. Even if evolution is wrong, if the claims by proponents of 'irreducible complexity' are true, a single deityal designer is still not a logical explanation. Any being complex enough to design these 'irreducibly complex' mechanisms must be orders of magnitude greater in complexity than the mechanism itself. How can such a being exist without out a more complex being to have created it? Intelligent Design is wrong. Evolution, to the best of our knowledge, is the source of biological diversity in the world.

But that's not the point. The point is, that in many cases, reality favors one side above another.

Why should any written piece supporting one stance over another be written off as an 'editorial?' What if it cites evidence that fantastically proves the point it's trying to make? Why should anyone believe that such a piece is biased simply because it supports one side above another? Paying lip-service to both sides when they aren't equally expressive of reality is a disservice not only to the pursuit of truth, but also to anyone who may happen to be listening.

If you disagree with me, you're probably wrong.

(Published in Issue 1)

The Danger of Seat Belts

By Number Three

three.usu@gmail.com

Public schools have always been centers of high academic standards, high morals, and high ideals. I, for the most part, have always supported them. A strong public education system is important to the security of our nation. It ensures our defensive and moral superiority world wide. As much, however, as I support the public education system, I am first and foremost a moral man. Unfortunately our public education system is currently facing a very amoral threat. The left has begun a push to mandate the instruction of the proper use of seat belts in our schools. That is why I would like to commend the efforts of the current administration in helping to insure that our public education system is not filthied by the teaching of such a dangerous topic.

Wearing seat belts encourages kids to drive. It's a plain and simple fact. Driving is clearly an activity reserved for us grown-ups. Reserved for those of us old enough to understand that the only moral reason to drive is to get to one's destination. There exists absolutely no valid reason to drive other than getting from point A to point B.

Teaching kids how to wear a seat belt sends the wrong message. It says, "We're okay with you driving". It says, "We like to drive." If we're going to teach our kids how to use seat belts, we might as well just tell them that driving can be a fun and healthy activity! Teaching this unholy subject puts the very moral fabric of our good nation at risk. First we teach them how to wear a seat belt. Then Johnny gets the funny idea that because he knows how to wear a seat belt, its safe for him to drive. Next Friday night Johnny and Sally decide to go joy rideing, without any thought of where it might take them. Next it's Jim and Susie, then Huck and Joana; pretty soon the whole neighborhood will be driving!

This is clearly an unacceptable situation. Johnny has no idea what he really wants. Sally is not capable of recollecting what it means to drive. Neither Huck nor Joana is ready to reach any type of destination. And Jim and Susie have no idea that there is only one reason to drive.

My opponents try to justify their wish to introduce seat belt courses into public schools by saying that seat belts prevent harmful accidents. They fail to mention the fact that even the best seat belts fail at least one percent of the time. Instead they bring out their airbags and their ABS and their collapsible frames, but even when you use all of these systems together, you are not truly safe. Although physical injury can be reasonably ruled out, these systems do nothing for the emotional devastation that results from one driving before they are ready. Kids today lack the experience to know about being ready. I, being experienced, would like to tell them that they are not ready. I, being of high moral character, understand what it means to be ready.

Not only do seat belts fail to prevent emotional damage, they also are not easy systems to use.When used incorrectly, seat belts fail over half of the time. How are today's young children suppose to grasp the complexities of the modern seat belt? I myself had to try at least seven times before I could get my first (and proudly only) seat belt on. After that, my single moment of weakness, I promised that I would never use a seat belt again. I don't even like to drive! I don't see how anyone could correctly use a seat belt the first time. The distractions driving introduce, the "heat of the moment" if you will, only compound this problem. If I couldn't do it when I was completely calm and detached from any "heat of the moment," it is surly impossible to do while under pressure. Schools have no place teaching the use of these treacherous and overly complicated devices!

But it's irrelevant. All of these valid reasons for not teaching seat belts are superseded by the most important fact. Wearing a seat belt is an affront to God. I see no reason why any further justification is necessary.

Seat belts represent the greatest danger to our kids that exists in the world today. If we do not continue to do everything in our power to stop those God hating heathens, those liberals, from forcing seat belt education on our schools, we will have no public education system left to be proud of. I call on you today to do the moral thing. Write your local representative and tell him that you do not think seat belt usage should be taught in school. Tell him that you do not wish our nation's youth grow up believing that aimless driving is acceptable, enjoyable, or, god-forbid, healthy. Tell him that we are a moral nation that will not stand for amoral seat belts and the loathsome activities they encourage! As always, morality prevails!

(Published in Issue 1)