Dear Adults,
I’ve recently come to understand, that despite the unfair and slanderous comments which many of my peers make in feeble attempts to marginalize your worth- that you are in fact, wiser and more capable than the peons you call teenagers. In addition to this realization, it's also been brought to my attention that due to the fact that death has been gradually downsizing your kind for sometime, there may be some positions open in your department. All of this, of course, brings me to my proposal- I would like to integrate my service base into your experience base. In short, I want the job.
While I am not yet legally eligible, I'd appreciate your consideration and respect in allowing me to explain why I am appropriate for this position.
To begin- I have a profound understanding of your department's procedural concerns. Clearly, in a world where most- if not all- people simply suck their livelihoods from the tireless efforts of adults, it is hard to maintain a cheery attitude. In fact, I would contend that the vast majority of crimes against humanity committed (while committed by adults) can simply be attributed to the utter selfishness and impropriety of all other age groups. Where were the children when the allied forces invaded Germany to save the Jews? Where were the elderly when Aslan was brutally murdered by the White Witch? (I apologize for the obvious obscurity of that example, as it references a novelty story meant for very weak-minded children) Nevertheless, the conclusion to be made is clear- adults are the unsung heroes of our time. Day in and day out, they trudge onto highways and trains, to fields and to skyscrapers- all the while facing such unimaginable horrors as "social pressure", "stress" and "lack of sleep"- horrors which children, adolescents and the elderly cannot even begin to comprehend. While I am a teenager, and inherently lack any true ability to empathize with the problems of "stress", "lack of sleep" and "social pressure" I implore you to accept my sincere promise to seek recompense for adults everywhere.
My aforementioned qualifications for adulthood are bolstered by the fact that I have a significant breadth of experience in fulfilling traditional adult roles. As a lifeguard at a community pool- I was given the right, nay the responsibility, to destroy the very spirit which breeds horseplay, fun and summertime tomfoolery. Each day as I lay that proud whistle around my neck, I was given the authority of an adult. In fact, I was so exceedingly competent at my work- that a young dandy once wet himself while I explained to him why it is unwise to enter the ladies locker room during pool hours and otherwise. This example not only reinforces the stupidity and incompetence of children, but demonstrates why I must be your ally in the struggle against the steady degradation of society via the carelessness and neediness of children and the elderly.
Finally, it is only logical to award me this position due to my tireless commitment to honoring the legacy of my role models. First and foremost, I heartily admire those selfless civil servants who are so crudely referred to as politicians. Even as a young and dimwitted child I could respect the efficiency with which our nation’s leaders castigated Bill Clinton for his blatant disrespect for all that is decent. Truly, it is the priority of our nation's elected officials to maintain the moral dignity of our highest political office- even in the face of such obstacles as the needy, whiny lower class and the constant barrage of media attention focused on everything but the continued plight of family values in a world full of scheming, subversive people like Bill Clinton. Politicians continue to be a glimmer of hope for the adult pride movement. Cutting worthless early childhood education programs and prescription drug benefits was only the beginning. Politicians of late have been working to maintain low gas prices for adults today by cutting costs of foreign oil through invading countries-all on the handy little charge card of America's youth. Our beloved political leaders are beyond willing to spend the $100000 a minute it costs to fight for the continued dominance of the American Adult, in fact, they're so willing to do it, you'd think they were actually making money! Kudos, my friends. This is indeed the spirit which I admire, and will bring to your table, hopefully carrying adults into a future of newfound importance and respect.
Sincerely,
Hannalore M. Chatham
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