USU Home Printing Tips

If you're using normal 8.5 X 11 paper, it can be somewhat time consuming to print off the front page, flip it for the back, and then print the backside, and repeat this for every collection of two pages, and then go on to staple it all together, so here's a fairly simple explanation of how to make it go somewhat faster. These methods wouldn't work with 17 x 11 paper, however.

1. Determine how many copies you're printing off at once.
2. Go to 'Print' in Adobe Reader.
3. Change 'subset' to odd pages only, and make sure the reverse button is unchecked.
4. Designate the number of copies, and make sure the collate button is checked.
5. Click the print button, and wait for all copies to print out.
6. Flip the entire stack over so that the side to be printed on is blank, and make sure that the page's orientation is right so that the top is still the top on both sides.
7. Go to 'Print' again in Adobe Reader.
8. Change the subset to even pages only, and make sure the reverse button is checked.
9. Insert the same # of copies to be produced as was used previously.
10. Print.

All that's left after that is to staple them together, since they should be in the proper order and orientation. Good work.

-- Number Fifty-five
The Union Street Underground

P.S. Issue two to be realised soon. Keep your head up, or down, whichever you find more effective.

The State of the Underground

Good Day Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thank you for your help and support during this, our inaugural, week. Your work printing and distributing Issue 1, as well as your effort to tell your friends about us, will not be forgotten.

Also, bully of a job to all of you who were carrying toothbrushes at school today. Both the USU and the state of dental hygiene in America are stronger thanks to your efforts.

We are currently shifting from Issue 1 release mode to Issue to composition mode. Please keep spreading the word about the USU and handing out copies of Issue 1, but also consider submitting something for Issue 2.

We are starting a “rant” section to be published in each issue. In addition to the normal material, please feel free to e-mail us a one or two sentence rant on a topic of your choice.

For anyone with artistic talents, we are looking to feature a cartoon or picture in Issue 2. Please scan your work and submit it via e-mail, or contact Number Eight (eight.usu@gmail.com) to arrange a physical submission.

Keep up the fight.

-The Union Street Underground

The picture is of ILLMITCH, my favorite rapper.
Visit him at illmitch.com.

Platonic Loving,
Eight

Print and Toothbrush

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Tomorrow marks the last part of our opening act. If you are reading this, it probably means that you have already heard of the Union Street Underground.

Many others, however, have not. To help remedy this we ask everyone who is capable to due the following two things:

1. Head over to the Files section of the newsgroup. Once there, download Issue 1 and print as many copies as you can. Hand these out tomorrow to anyone who will let you get close enough to shove one into their hand.
2. Bring a toothbrush to school tomorrow. Proudly display this, the symbol of your good dental hygiene, in your left hand while traversing the massive ice fields between your classes. Remember, all good supporters of the Underground carry toothbrushes.

Thank you for your help and support. Enjoy.

-Three

P.S. I don't know what the below picture is all about. Talk to Eight. It must be an even number thing.

seriously, we want you to tell us how dumb we are

well, you can also tell us nice things. the point is, issue one was like training wheels for the usu. we need help, we need more submissions and most of all we need feedback. if you have anything to say at all, spit it out. we are lonely and wish we had more emails. LOVE AND KISSIES, the Union Street Underground

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised (However, It Will Be Printed)

By The Revolution

Good day.

It is a great pleasure to finally make your introduction. Please allow me to congratulate you on making it this far. There were many forces working against the moment we are experiencing now. You, however, showed great strength and fortitude in overcoming the obstacles to get here and meet me.

Please allow me to apologize. I am afraid that I have been very rude. You see, I know you. I know your name. I know your brothers and sisters, your friends and colleagues. I knew your parents, and I hope to one day meet your children. I have watched you grow up. I have seen you learn and mature.

But you do not know me. Allow me to remedy this, a most dishonorable, situation.

I am The Revolution. And this, The Union Street Underground, is but one of my many facets. Please do not make the mistake of thinking me naive. I have been around for many years. I have witnessed great moments and have had the pleasure to work with exceptional people.

I had hoped that we would be introduced before this point, but unfortunately, I have been away on an extended leave of absence. The time, however, was ripe for my return. So here I am now, finally making the introduction that has been far, far too long delayed.

This introduction, however, grows long. We have much to do, and limited time with which to do it. Since we will be interacting via the publication you are now reading, I feel it is appropriate to give you a brief run down on its operation.

The Union Street Underground, is not The Revolution. It is but my voice and my ears. It is an open student forum, to be used for the expression and debate of not only my ideas but, more importantly, yours. It is also a place of jovial conversation. A place to enjoy yourself and the company of those that you have the opportunity to work with. It will be published as often as is necessary to meet our needs.

But as high and noble as that sounds, it is the details that make this work. So please allow me to cover them.

Anyone may submit ideas, articles, artwork, event notifications, breakfast cereals, or anything else you feel is appropriate to the Union Street Underground. You will find that in this instance, "anyone" is not limited to the normal societal restrictions. We wish to hear from students and teachers, dissenters and supporters, The Good and The Administration, Earthlings and space aliens... anyone. Please send your work to submit.usu@gmail.com. Text may be sent either as an attachment or within the body of your message, pictures should be sent as an attachment, and breakfast cereals should be shipped to:

The Union Street Underground

144 Revolution Drive

The Known Universe

Also to note, The Union Street Underground operates under pseudonyms only. I have taken this step for several reasons. First, and most obviously, we use pseudonyms to protect our true identities. I do not feel that we are breaking any rules, violating any laws, or desecrating any Universal Moral Principles, but there are those that disagree. It will be far easier to become familiar if we can avoid being interrupted by those who do not see the Underground as we see the Underground. I am sorry for this necessity.

The second reason, however, is far more important. I am thrilled that I have finally met you, but I still have a few reservations about our relationship. I fear that you might judge me and my friends before your truly know us. That you might be inclined to associate us with certain projections that our society, despite our best efforts, has encouraged. If you truly wish to get to know us, you must do so from a blank slate. Eventually, I hope that we will be adequately acquainted to the point were this is no longer necessary. The point at which we can all speak as equals and view each other for who we truly are, without the distortions to which we are all naturally, and most unfortunately, predisposed.

Those of you who regularly submit work will be invited to join the USU as a full voting member. You will receive an official pseudonym and will have the opportunity to make decisions regarding the operation of the USU. We are also looking for anyone willing to dedicate their time, their ink, and their printer to join the USU as an official distributor. As we are a pure student forum, we print and distribute the USU ourselves. It is designed to be printed on either two sheets of normal 8.5" by 11" paper or a single folded sheet of 11" by 17" paper. The USU is also available in digital format at http://unionstreetunderground.blogspot.com/. Here you may post comments on our articles. The printable .pdf version of the USU is available through our newsgroup at http://groups-beta.google.com/group/UnionStreetUnderground. Click the Files link on the right to download and print it. You may also use this website to post comments not related to an individual article.

I feel that at this point there is something very important that you must know about me. I have but one weakness, but it is crippling. I do not, as you do, posess the ability to exist autonomously. I can only live as part of others. I am but an idea that you must entertain. It is for this reason that I implore you to allow me to stay. To allow us this opportunity to develop our friendship. I implore you to participate in our discussion and to strengthen our beliefs. I can do no more than ask for your help, ask for your willingness to participate. It is you who must make the ultimate decision.

But if you do feel that this relationship might work, that it might grow and prosper, then I look forward with great anticipation to our future together. It's going to be a hell of a ride. Make sure you wear your seat belt.

(Published in Issue 1)

Eulogy

By Remm

I would like to write a eulogy for dreams
shattered and pitiful on nameless cobblestones
washed down mossy gutters by the soiled rain
of a city that is foreign to you
that does not know your name
and does not care to ask.

(Published in Issue 1)

The Underground Calender: Issue 1

Friday, January 19th: Show your support for the USU -

Carry a toothbrush in your left hand while walking the halls at Creek. Little known fact: All good revolutionaries carry toothbrushes.

Saturday, January 20th (3:00 PM): Streaking Team Interest Meeting -

Any students interested in going out for Streaking this spring are asked to attend a general interest meeting to be held at Westlands Park. The meeting will provide information on the organization of the team and upcoming events. Participants should meet at the playground. We are also looking for two captains to chair this year's team. Interested students should apply for this position at submit.usu@gmail.com.

Friday, January 26th (5th period) : CCHS Library Croquet Open -

Appropriate period attire (hat, jacket, etc.) and croquet stick required. Having your student ID on your person while participating is prohibited. Student's who bring their student ID will not be allowed to play. Meet at A Short History of England, Call # 942 McE.

The Necessity of Sticking It to The Man

By Number Five

five.usu@gmail.com

Thomas Jefferson once said “the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” He had an extremely valid point in his day, when the only way to bring about social change was to wage lengthy wars. Now that America’s government, along with many other governments in the world, allows the common citizen to influence policy, Jefferson’s statement does not have as much bearing on the avenues of change.

Many Americans argue that political activism is useless, claiming that their vote can never make a difference when mingled with millions of other voters. What these people don’t realize is that voting is only the beginning; influence in the policy-making process goes so much deeper. For a start, one can write letters to his or her representatives and senators. Popular belief tends to claim that the aforementioned activity won’t influence anyone, yet if enough of a constituency believes in an issue, and the congressperson knows the feelings of his/her people, a change will be made. After all, a congressperson’s goal is always reelection, and one can’t be elected without votes. Another way of influencing government is lobbying elected officials. As with writing or calling a representative, a trip to the representative’s office shows that you truly care about an issue. The most important method of influencing government, however, is by sticking it to The Man.

The necessity of sticking it to The Man is rooted in the necessity of keeping the government on its toes. A government must never take for granted the citizens’ respect for their authority. When a regime realizes that the people will let them do whatever they see fit, that regime begins to take away freedoms. Those in power put their greedy little toes in the water of corruption, and if the people don’t lash out, they’ll jump right in. Public indifference to the policy of a government is a catalyst for the creation of oppressive tyrants. By sticking it to The Man regularly, the government can see that the people don’t have the utmost respect for its authority.

One might now argue that one person defying an empire will do no good. Fortunately for us, this point is invalid. By sticking it to The Man, one inspires others to follow suit. Thus, one is never alone in one’s quest to keep the government honest. Another might argue that laws are in place for a reason, and breaking them is just foolish. Let me be clear: I am in no way advocating breaking the law in ways that would harm another human. The idea is to keep the institution of government on its toes, not to infringe on the rights of our brothers and sisters. In fact, I’m not actually advocating breaking the law, just sticking it to The Man (which may or may not require actually breaking the law).

The only question that remains: how does one go about the act of sticking it to The Man? Well your reading this. So that's a start. But the rest, my friends, is left to your own creativity.

(Published in Issue 1)

Open Letter to Keebler Elves

Keebler Elf Tree
1625 E. Cocoa Parkway
Edmonton, Canada

To Keebler Elves it may concern:

I recently discovered, whilst examining a box of Keebler Cinnamon Crisp graham crackers- that the Keebler Cinnamon Crisp graham cracker is a "Healthy Snack Families Choose!" Herein lies my query! Where is the dessert cracker for the lonely, substance abusing old guy? Where is the graham cracker for the poor disease infested prostitute? Or even the perpetually nomadic hippie? The thrice-divorced card shark? Which snack is for them?!! Can't this cold world just give a chance...and a delightful cinnamon-ey cracker to the ones who have nothing else to cling to?!

I say to you Keebler Elf - ACCEPT THE UNWANTED! DESSERT CRACKERS FOR ALL!!

..and think of the numbers on market expansion!

Love,

Douglass M. Brunstein
Loyal Fan of graham crackers,and other Keebler products.

(Published in Issue 1)

Issue 1: Short Paragraphs

Unicorns are AWESOME

"This is not the right way to bounce back from a break-up," Regina huffed. "He's taking a real person, and I'm taking a UNICORN." She sat silently for a minute, and watched the traffic pulse under her dirty high rise window. Then, exhaling furiously, remarked, "Wait a minute, why did I think that was a bad idea? Unicorns are AWESOME." Indeed, her acknowledgement of the awesome power of the majestic beast worked. And as Regina and her unicorn friend flitted into the bedazzled midnight, he reminded her, "My dear, we belong to no one."

Dawn

Robert clutched the railing of the balcony and stared out into the gathering of light that signaled the approach of morning. The last gasp of night's purple stain faded into a soft and inviting pink that began to softly envelope every other shade of the sky's symphony of color. He watched as each building in the city's jagged skyline was softened by the blanket of light about its shoulders; slowly, day acknowledged existence. He gazed out and thought how beautiful it all was, and how ironic and deceptive that beauty could be. Then, with a final sigh, he slowly leaned over and tumbled out of life and into dawn.

(Published in Issue 1)

Editorials, and the Fallacy of the Golden Mean

by Elias LV

fiftyfive.usu@gmail.com

Articles that take a specific position are often seen as less objective than articles that strive for the center. This is a flaw. It's based off of the golden mean fallacy, wherein one assumes that the truth on any given dispute lies exactly between the two opposing sides. Take gun control, for instance: if an article cites figures which make a ban on assault rifles seem like a good idea, it'll be discounted as partisan or biased, even if it reports only facts. Sometimes, facts can make their own conclusions, and that conclusion isn't always between two opposing sides. Is there any reason that it should be? Yet, the running standard for 'objectivity' in an article is that it doesn't favor one side.

This is a terrible mistake. Sometimes, reality truly does favor one side over another, and an objective analysis will lead to a conclusion that may be considered 'partisan,' and which may be needlessly dismissed as being 'biased.' A simple example is that of Intelligent Design vs. Evolution. The truth is that intelligent design has no validity at all as a scientific theory, despite what non-scientists will say. The vast majority of all evidence points to evolution as the culprit behind biological diversity. This evidence includes vast genetic data, fossil records, and physiological evidence in many species. If you doubt this, read any book on evolution by a competent biologist. It tends to be books written by non-scientists and theologians that favor intelligent design. Even if evolution is wrong, if the claims by proponents of 'irreducible complexity' are true, a single deityal designer is still not a logical explanation. Any being complex enough to design these 'irreducibly complex' mechanisms must be orders of magnitude greater in complexity than the mechanism itself. How can such a being exist without out a more complex being to have created it? Intelligent Design is wrong. Evolution, to the best of our knowledge, is the source of biological diversity in the world.

But that's not the point. The point is, that in many cases, reality favors one side above another.

Why should any written piece supporting one stance over another be written off as an 'editorial?' What if it cites evidence that fantastically proves the point it's trying to make? Why should anyone believe that such a piece is biased simply because it supports one side above another? Paying lip-service to both sides when they aren't equally expressive of reality is a disservice not only to the pursuit of truth, but also to anyone who may happen to be listening.

If you disagree with me, you're probably wrong.

(Published in Issue 1)

The Danger of Seat Belts

By Number Three

three.usu@gmail.com

Public schools have always been centers of high academic standards, high morals, and high ideals. I, for the most part, have always supported them. A strong public education system is important to the security of our nation. It ensures our defensive and moral superiority world wide. As much, however, as I support the public education system, I am first and foremost a moral man. Unfortunately our public education system is currently facing a very amoral threat. The left has begun a push to mandate the instruction of the proper use of seat belts in our schools. That is why I would like to commend the efforts of the current administration in helping to insure that our public education system is not filthied by the teaching of such a dangerous topic.

Wearing seat belts encourages kids to drive. It's a plain and simple fact. Driving is clearly an activity reserved for us grown-ups. Reserved for those of us old enough to understand that the only moral reason to drive is to get to one's destination. There exists absolutely no valid reason to drive other than getting from point A to point B.

Teaching kids how to wear a seat belt sends the wrong message. It says, "We're okay with you driving". It says, "We like to drive." If we're going to teach our kids how to use seat belts, we might as well just tell them that driving can be a fun and healthy activity! Teaching this unholy subject puts the very moral fabric of our good nation at risk. First we teach them how to wear a seat belt. Then Johnny gets the funny idea that because he knows how to wear a seat belt, its safe for him to drive. Next Friday night Johnny and Sally decide to go joy rideing, without any thought of where it might take them. Next it's Jim and Susie, then Huck and Joana; pretty soon the whole neighborhood will be driving!

This is clearly an unacceptable situation. Johnny has no idea what he really wants. Sally is not capable of recollecting what it means to drive. Neither Huck nor Joana is ready to reach any type of destination. And Jim and Susie have no idea that there is only one reason to drive.

My opponents try to justify their wish to introduce seat belt courses into public schools by saying that seat belts prevent harmful accidents. They fail to mention the fact that even the best seat belts fail at least one percent of the time. Instead they bring out their airbags and their ABS and their collapsible frames, but even when you use all of these systems together, you are not truly safe. Although physical injury can be reasonably ruled out, these systems do nothing for the emotional devastation that results from one driving before they are ready. Kids today lack the experience to know about being ready. I, being experienced, would like to tell them that they are not ready. I, being of high moral character, understand what it means to be ready.

Not only do seat belts fail to prevent emotional damage, they also are not easy systems to use.When used incorrectly, seat belts fail over half of the time. How are today's young children suppose to grasp the complexities of the modern seat belt? I myself had to try at least seven times before I could get my first (and proudly only) seat belt on. After that, my single moment of weakness, I promised that I would never use a seat belt again. I don't even like to drive! I don't see how anyone could correctly use a seat belt the first time. The distractions driving introduce, the "heat of the moment" if you will, only compound this problem. If I couldn't do it when I was completely calm and detached from any "heat of the moment," it is surly impossible to do while under pressure. Schools have no place teaching the use of these treacherous and overly complicated devices!

But it's irrelevant. All of these valid reasons for not teaching seat belts are superseded by the most important fact. Wearing a seat belt is an affront to God. I see no reason why any further justification is necessary.

Seat belts represent the greatest danger to our kids that exists in the world today. If we do not continue to do everything in our power to stop those God hating heathens, those liberals, from forcing seat belt education on our schools, we will have no public education system left to be proud of. I call on you today to do the moral thing. Write your local representative and tell him that you do not think seat belt usage should be taught in school. Tell him that you do not wish our nation's youth grow up believing that aimless driving is acceptable, enjoyable, or, god-forbid, healthy. Tell him that we are a moral nation that will not stand for amoral seat belts and the loathsome activities they encourage! As always, morality prevails!

(Published in Issue 1)