February 27, 2007

And When The Third Issue Was Released, God Said...

'
"Go forth and print this, for it is Good." And there was much rejoicing.

This evening, we are proud to announce the release of The Union Street Underground Issue 3. Both the "letter" version as well as the "tabloid" version may be downloaded at http://groups.google.com/group/UnionStreetUnderground/files. Go there and download them. Now.

Please print as many copies as you are able and distribute them throughout the rest of this week (and next week, and the week after... hell, just distribute them until Issue 4 comes out). Also, tell your friends about the Underground and encourage them to print and distribute some copies too. The more copies we get out there, the better Issue 4 will be, and the more fulfilled you will feel about your purpose in life.

We hope that you all enjoy Issue 3. As always, we have already begun working on Issue 4. Your submissions, ideas, and thermonuclear weapons are greatly appreciated. Please send them to submit.usu@gmail.com.

Also, if you are just now joining us, be sure to check out Issue 1 and Issue 2, also available in the Files section.

Have fun and be creative with your distribution techniques. May everyone have the best of luck subverting authority and spreading the Underground for the rest of the week.

Thank you all for your help. Enjoy Issue 3.

Sincerely,

The Union Street Underground
Cherry Creek High School

February 20, 2007

The Third Issue Cometh...

Good Day Noble Readers of the Underground,

We are currently working to complete Issue 3. You may look forward to its release within the next couple of weeks. Thank you for the grand number of submissions we have received. The Underground is beginning to take the form we had hoped it would.

A few things to note:
  • Issue 3 will be six pages (three front and back) long. The extra page will allow us to include more material and reader submissions. Please plan accordingly.
  • Issue 3 will be released in two formats. Format One will be printed on six (three front and back) 8.5 X 11 inch "letter" pages. Format Two will be printed on two (one front and back) 11 X 17 inch "tabloid" pages (folded down the center) with two (one front and back) 8.5 by 11 inch "letter" pages in the center.
  • Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.
  • We are still looking for USU distributors to help us get Issue 3 to the masses. While any one can print and distribute the USU, our official distributors receive copies of each issue several days earlier than the general public. Distributors also have the opportunity to participate in organized printing activities to maximize our resources. If you are interested, please contact submit.usu@gmail.com.
Thank you for your support. And remember, the Underground is not just an awesome newspaper, its an awesome way of life.

Look for an update before the release of Issue Three, and keep on living free.

Sincerely,

The Union Street Underground
Cherry Creek High School
Greenwood Village, CO

February 8, 2007

Progress Is Sweet!

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thank you for your support this week during the release of Issue 2. The distribution has gone spindly. We have received many excellent submissions as well as a strong show of support. Also of note, none of us have been kidnapped by men in black suits driving black SUVs during the black night to be flown on black planes to black sites where black bags will be but over our heads while we are brutally questioned. Always remember to be thankful.

The USU is well on its way to establishing itself as a respectable Underground powerhouse at Cherry Creek High School. This honor we owe to you.

While we have made much progress (see the title), there is still more that we can do. Continue to submit your work to the Underground. We really love reading it. We also love putting the best of it into the next Issue.

Please continue to print copies of both Issue 1 and Issue 2 and distribute them to your friends/teachers/others who have not seen them yet. The more copies that we get out there, the better our chances for long term survival.

Keep up the good work. We are all looking forward to the release of Issue 3 sometime between now and a month from now. Thanks again for your efforts.

Good night and good luck.

February 6, 2007

Issue Two Released: Print and Be Merry!

Issue Two was released this afternoon. Head over to the newsgroup files section at http://groups.google.com/group/UnionStreetUnderground/files to download and print a copy.

If you are just now joining us, Issue 1 is still available at the same location. Print and read it!

As always, we rely on your help to increase our exposure. Please do your part to print and distribute the Underground. Everyone can print a few copies for their friends and/or enemies.

We are accepting submissions for Issue Three, to be released within a month. Please send your work, quotes, rants, short paragraphs, art, or ideas to submit.usu@gmail.com.

We love to hear your comments. Let us know what you think by commenting on individual articles or by posting a message on our newsgroup (See link on left for more information).

Thank you for your help and support. Check back by the blog periodically for updates, news, and last minute activities. Also, if you would like to join our mailing list or become an official distributor, drop us a line at submit.usu@gmail.com.

Enjoy.

Students and Sleep Deprivation

By fiftyfive

fiftyfive.usu@gmail.com

Students don't get enough sleep. Most studies suggest that students in US high schools , on average, between 6 and 7 hours of sleep a night. The recommended amount of sleep for teenagers is 8.5 to 9 hours. With the National Sleep Foundation pinning the average number of hours of sleep per night at 6.8, the simple fact is, most students aren't getting enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can affect performance in many areas, including test scores, the ability to focus, the ability to drive, and obviously the ability to stay awake in class. This issue represents not only a danger to one's health, but also to public safety, and will affect students' academic records.

Many people would blame personal lifestyle choices for the disparity between the average amount of sleep and the necessary amount of sleep. There is, however, scientific evidence that school schedules are specifically antagonistic to the natural sleep cycle of most teenagers. It all relates to circadian rhythms; these are the rhythms that govern our sleeping patterns, and they follow roughly a 24 hour cycle that's often affected both by previous sleeping patterns and light sensitivity. The effect of light sensitivity on circadian rhythms reveals that teenagers would naturally be going to bed around 11 PM, which can't fit into an eight hour sleeping schedule if you have to be up by 6 AM to get ready for school. It's simple: waking up at 6 AM is unnatural for teenagers, and leads to teenagers getting less sleep than they ought to be.

The simplest evidence for this is much more obvious: during the summer, when school isn't around, most teenagers get much more sleep than they get during the school year. The same is true of weekends. If lifestyles, and not school schedules, were responsible for loss of sleep, then you'd expect to see the opposite: inhibitory effects of school schedules on personal lifestyle choices disappear in the summer and on weekends, so teenagers would be getting less sleep as opposed to more.

Of course, you may be saying just now, "so what? Why does any of this matter at all?" First off, screw you. Second off, it has effects on many areas of your life. Sleep loss is correlated with increased aging, depression, headaches, weight gain, increased blood pressure, irritability, blurred vision, disorientation, ADHD symptoms, and in extreme cases, hallucinations and psychosis. None of these are fun things to deal with. Sleep deprivation also causes traffic accidents; the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration will tell you that over 100,000 accidents a year are caused by fatigue and drowsiness, and it's been shown that losing two hours of sleep a night for a week can have similar effects on your ability to drive as alcohol. If you have thousands of drowsy students driving into school every day, you're clearly going to have problems with accidents, and that's a safety issue more than anything else. That combined with the other effects listed above ought to be enough to convince you that this sleep deprivation bit is nasty business.

It also has effects on academic ability. The University of Minnesota did a comparative study between students who went to schools starting at 7:15 vs. those that started at 8:30, and they found that on average, schools beginning at 8:30 had higher average GPAs, and students that got more sleep. Sleepy students have also do worst on standardized testing (this part's important, Administration!) such as the SATs, ACTs, and of course the infamous CSAPs. As Dr. James B. Maas, Cornell University psychologist, and a leading sleep expert has said, "Almost all teenagers, as they reach puberty, become walking zombies because they are getting far too little sleep." How can zombies compete academically if they're too busy hunting for brains to eat instead of using their own? Since standardized testing now helps determines a school's annual budget, you'd think that schools would have a vested economic interest in keeping their schedules comfortable for teen sleeping cycles, right?

Wrong. It all has to do with busing schedules. They have to provide enough transportation to get around 4,000 students to school every day, and that's only for Creek. The district has to provide enough busing for the middle schools, and the other high schools of the district, as well as many elementary schools. If high schools and elementary schools started at the same time, the district would have to double up on buses, as well as drivers, and if they tried to switch the elementary schools to starting at 7:20, the district would have to deal with a shitload of angry soccer moms. Obviously, your health is less important than the corresponding increase in tax dollars and the extreme bitchiness that shit-loads of soccer moms can bring.

So what's the solution? Isn't it obvious by now!? You should be sleeping in class. Yes, that's right, sleeping in class is the solution to your sleep deprivation problems. One in four students nationwide admitted to sleeping in class at least once a week, and in my opinion, that isn't nearly enough. As a student, you have no power to affect administrative decisions and duties, and your parents will think you're a lazy, pathetic piece of crap if you say you need to be getting more sleep, so they won't attempt to use their meager political associations to try to change things in your favor. Sleeping in class is the only rational solution, and honestly, is it really a better usage of your time to learn useless trivialities relating to Euclidean geometry, or a boring physics lecture, or some odd stuff about the Romantic period in literature and William Wordsworth? Sleep is a basic biological necessity; you need it to live. That puts it well above all of the boring lectures you'd be missing, and if you organize your sleeping patterns in school well, there's always your geeky friend that took notes instead of napping, so you're still set. So sleep in class, for your own good and the good of our standardized test scores.

The Most Noble Profession

By Number Three

three.usu@gmail.com

Just like any other morning during my time in the fourth grade, I had awakened and eaten breakfast. I was about to leave my house for the bus stop when I chanced to look up at the clock on the wall. 8:30. All well and fine, except for the fact that the bus came at 8:32. One long string of fourth-grade-appropriate expletives later, I was out the door and sprinting down the street. 8:31. Barreling around the corner, I was just in time... to see the bus driving off.

There I was, a sad dejected fourth grader with nothing more than an extremely limited vocabulary for expressing the natural feelings inherent in such a situation. I had just made the mistake every self respecting elementary school student dreads and begin to prepare myself for the 10 year old's equivalent of the walk of shame that accompanies it. Oh man, life's a bitch.

Cue cloud-parting miracle... now.

I heard a low rumble. Akin to the type one would experience right before having their bedroom wall run down by an Abram at 2 in the morning. I looked up, prepared to meet my fate at the trunk of a rabid rampant elephant in full battle gear. Alas, what I saw was not, in fact, a legendary beast, nor was it a 21st century battle tank. It, ladies and gentlemen, was the source of my salvation.

A large green behemoth had pulled up next to me. Its metal skin glinted in the morning sun, a large forked arm was attached to its front, and it exhibited a peculiar curved rear. A large WM was prominently displaced on its side. In the drivers seat sat a man at least four times my size. He turned his head and I caught my reflection in the lenses of his silver aviators. AC-DC's "Highway to Hell" echoed out of the cab. "Hey bro", my savior boomed, "I saw you miss that bus. Can I give you a ride?"

Boy, had my luck changed. Still speechless from the sheer level of coolness that had suddenly descended upon me, I climbed into the cab with my new-found padre. "Hang tight", he said as he shifted his beast into gear, "I'll have you there in no time at all". Had the vocabulary been available to me at the time, I believe the following word would have been used to describe my situation: 'Fuck!'.

We lumbered forward, AC-DC power rifts lighting our path. At twenty miles per hour in a twenty ton vehicle, I was about to become the coolest kid in the school. Possibly the coolest kid ever to walk the halls of the school. My classmates would speak of my triumph for decades. The teachers would want my autograph. No one messes with you after you show up to school in a fucking trash truck.

As we rounded another corner and the school came into view, the elation of victory swept though me. Caesar didn't feel this good when he marched back into Rome after winning at Munda. We pulled up to the school. "Here we are bro. Take it easy.", the driver said. I believe my response was something along the lines of "Thank you my Lord and Savior, for you have delivered my from darkness into light". But to tell you the truth, my memory's a little shady on the topic. I hoped out of the cab and landed on the ground.

I was Neil Fucking Armstrong. One small step for a fourth grader, one giant step for never having to worry about my street cred again. My classmates stared in awe. I think some of them may have bowed. I paraded into the school leaving pure Awesome in my wake.

But this story isn't about the petty struggle for respect that every fourth grader faces. It's not about how cool I may have believed myself to be. In fact, its really not even about me. There are only two thing I hope you take from this.

The first is: Nothing makes you feel empowered like riding in a fucking trash truck. Nothing, nadda, nilch.

The second is: No matter what you grow up to be, no matter which company your grow up to own, no matter how big your office is, how famous you may become, or how many cars you fit in your suburban garage, you will never, ever, be as noble as the person who grows up to be an aviator wearing, hard rock playing, wise beyond explanation, trash truck driver. And no matter how much you might think your going to change the world, you have nothing on the men and women in the waste reclamation business who are changing it everyday, one dejected fourth grader at a time.

Anyone want to reevaluate their wish to get a a degree in business?

A Letter to Adults Who Are Unlikely to Respond.

Dear Adults,

I’ve recently come to understand, that despite the unfair and slanderous comments which many of my peers make in feeble attempts to marginalize your worth- that you are in fact, wiser and more capable than the peons you call teenagers. In addition to this realization, it's also been brought to my attention that due to the fact that death has been gradually downsizing your kind for sometime, there may be some positions open in your department. All of this, of course, brings me to my proposal- I would like to integrate my service base into your experience base. In short, I want the job.

While I am not yet legally eligible, I'd appreciate your consideration and respect in allowing me to explain why I am appropriate for this position.

To begin- I have a profound understanding of your department's procedural concerns. Clearly, in a world where most- if not all- people simply suck their livelihoods from the tireless efforts of adults, it is hard to maintain a cheery attitude. In fact, I would contend that the vast majority of crimes against humanity committed (while committed by adults) can simply be attributed to the utter selfishness and impropriety of all other age groups. Where were the children when the allied forces invaded Germany to save the Jews? Where were the elderly when Aslan was brutally murdered by the White Witch? (I apologize for the obvious obscurity of that example, as it references a novelty story meant for very weak-minded children) Nevertheless, the conclusion to be made is clear- adults are the unsung heroes of our time. Day in and day out, they trudge onto highways and trains, to fields and to skyscrapers- all the while facing such unimaginable horrors as "social pressure", "stress" and "lack of sleep"- horrors which children, adolescents and the elderly cannot even begin to comprehend. While I am a teenager, and inherently lack any true ability to empathize with the problems of "stress", "lack of sleep" and "social pressure" I implore you to accept my sincere promise to seek recompense for adults everywhere.

My aforementioned qualifications for adulthood are bolstered by the fact that I have a significant breadth of experience in fulfilling traditional adult roles. As a lifeguard at a community pool- I was given the right, nay the responsibility, to destroy the very spirit which breeds horseplay, fun and summertime tomfoolery. Each day as I lay that proud whistle around my neck, I was given the authority of an adult. In fact, I was so exceedingly competent at my work- that a young dandy once wet himself while I explained to him why it is unwise to enter the ladies locker room during pool hours and otherwise. This example not only reinforces the stupidity and incompetence of children, but demonstrates why I must be your ally in the struggle against the steady degradation of society via the carelessness and neediness of children and the elderly.

Finally, it is only logical to award me this position due to my tireless commitment to honoring the legacy of my role models. First and foremost, I heartily admire those selfless civil servants who are so crudely referred to as politicians. Even as a young and dimwitted child I could respect the efficiency with which our nation’s leaders castigated Bill Clinton for his blatant disrespect for all that is decent. Truly, it is the priority of our nation's elected officials to maintain the moral dignity of our highest political office- even in the face of such obstacles as the needy, whiny lower class and the constant barrage of media attention focused on everything but the continued plight of family values in a world full of scheming, subversive people like Bill Clinton. Politicians continue to be a glimmer of hope for the adult pride movement. Cutting worthless early childhood education programs and prescription drug benefits was only the beginning. Politicians of late have been working to maintain low gas prices for adults today by cutting costs of foreign oil through invading countries-all on the handy little charge card of America's youth. Our beloved political leaders are beyond willing to spend the $100000 a minute it costs to fight for the continued dominance of the American Adult, in fact, they're so willing to do it, you'd think they were actually making money! Kudos, my friends. This is indeed the spirit which I admire, and will bring to your table, hopefully carrying adults into a future of newfound importance and respect.

Sincerely,

Hannalore M. Chatham